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      Friendships:
         Hold on or move on?

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     Have you ever felt like your friendships are giving you more heartache than happiness? Do you feel like being part of your group of friends is more of an emotional roller coaster than a solid foundation in your life?  Do you have to wonder each day if your “best friend” will be speaking to you or not?  If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, then maybe it’s about time you take a good close look at the kind of friendships you have been choosing. 

     It’s no secret that maintaining friendships is one of the most important goals for you at this time in your life.  This goes right along with the basic human need for acceptance.  We all want to be liked, fit in, and gain the approval of others.  Unfortunately, our society creates a lot of rules that tell us just how to do that: how we should look, act, and treat others to avoid being excluded.  Our culture tells us we have to be wearing the name brand clothes, have up to the minute technology, and gain the attention of the opposite sex.  Society tells us that if girls are angry, they should suppress their feelings or convince themselves not to take things personally.  Otherwise, if a girl expresses anger, hurt, or embarrassment, she may be labeled “Emo” or be called oversensitive or uptight.  For boys, they have to be “tough.”  If they are not willing to assert themselves physically, or if they communicate their emotions in an open, honest way, they risk being called a “sissy” or aren’t considered a “real man.”  

     So what does all this have to do with friendships? It has everything to do with them.  Think about how much energy you really put into living by these rules.  Think about all the times you wanted to say something to a friend or within your group of friends, but held back and stayed silent just to avoid conflict.  How many times have you let others make you the object of their joking and you just laughed it off as if it didn’t affect you at all?  How many times have you sacrificed who you really are just to keep certain friends or maintain your status in your “clique?”  If you realize that you have been caught up in these types of friendships, don’t get down on yourself.  It is such a part of the world we live in that we often stay in them without seeing the negative ways that they are impacting us.  The good news is that every moment is a new opportunity to make a different choice, and you can begin right now with this simple exercise to gain awareness and take an honest look at the current friendships in your life: 

1. Write down the three most important rights for you to have in a friendship (for example: to be treated with respect, to not talk behind your back, to be honest, have a friend stand up for you, etc.)  What do these rights mean to you? Be specific.
    

2. Now write down the names of the people that are closest to you.  Write down the first three descriptions and/or experiences of those friendships.
    

3. Compare the lists and BE HONEST.  Do your experiences match with what you say you must have in a friendship? If you have a friendship that doesn’t match, what are you getting out of the friendship that makes it worthwhile to sacrifice what is important to you? (Are you getting approval, social status, attention?) Are you treating your friends according to these rights?

     If your friendships match up, then HOLD ON! If you have only one friend in your life that lives up to your standards, consider yourself lucky.  If these friendships don’t match up, you may want to MOVE ON!  How much longer are you willing to sacrifice who you really are to keep these friendships? 

Contributed by: Dr. Randie Taylor, Psychologist, Commack High School

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:

Commack High School Guidance Office: (631) 912-2121
Commack Middle School Counseling Center: (631) 858-3535